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Winters in Florida blow
Now, that’s a big, fat bunghole of an oxymoron and I’m just a moron. But, anyhoo – I’ve lived in Florida my whole life. I do not have much to compare the weather to. I do know that it’s blistering,...
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Irrational fears
Okay. So, listen here. I have a LOT of fears. More than the average wanker. I am afraid of so many, many items of remote interest and/or concern. My own shadow is at the top of the list and I’m mad as...
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Delusions of grandeur and why I’m such a weird freak
Surprise, surprise. My NY Resolution is late. Big freaking surprise. It’s just sooooo easy for you people to make your nifty, special “New Years Resolutions.” Many of them are actually followed...
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Dear Math: How much do I hate I you? Let me count the ways.
Dear MATH: I’m just going to put it out there. Me plus you = we suck. We just do not add up. I have a very bad taste in my gloid for you. You give me the bung puckers. You are my enemy and you have...
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Always falling short
Look. I’m NOT a tweeter. Depending on what you call your private regions, I might have a tweeter, but I definitely am not one. I Facebook, I iphone, I iPad, I scroll, scour, and peruse my Apple...
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Spring cleaning
It’s that time again. I’m so nervous that the inside of my sphincter has sprouted wart shingles. Its time for spring Cleaning. Say what you will. It’s a timeless cliche, nobody actually does it; Keep...
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Butterfly effect or fate?
Oh – Cheerio, Governor. So, I am one of those people who have no preference over the words fate versus luck. I think in many cases, there’s a higher power involved, but this is for sure, for SURE...
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The cat’s meow
Congratulations! To me. I am ecstatic, floored, thrilled and just a tiny bit sad. You see, I got a new car! It was about damn time. We are very rough on vehicles. We pulled it up into the parking...
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Say goodbye to “planking,” I’ve got the new craze right here
Ahoy! Are you physically cut and lean? Do you live for the element of surprise? Do you seek a fast-paced lifestyle? Do you have commitment, charisma and cunning tendencies? Is your stamina at the...
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The dog and cat days of summer
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Bleh, Florida heat! Crappystankassdingus heat. It’s not for me. It might be for people who are from another non-toxic, non-acidic state who have visions of...
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Invisible me
Look here. Ima try to find things funny about my “invisibility complex.” It’s real. It’s a thang. There have been examples, circumstances and moments that I can share. And I can overshare. So, the...
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Don’t touch the introvert!
So I have this pesky, quirky, teeny, tiny, microscopic little personality glitch. Just one? Hardly. But, we the jury are here today to focus on only one of my supersonic setbacks. Looking back and...
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Sarcasm snob
So, I love a great one-liner, a fun knee slapper, a great joke. I appreciate this shit. A lot. Buuuuuut – I do unwillingly and begrudgingly admit, though, as much as I am a self-proclaimed and public...
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Geographically indescribable
Here’s the deal. I suck at directions. I am not a guru at finding my way around. I am not a guru of even finding my way home. I can’t even find my way back to a spot that I once might’ve accidentally...
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Grammar Nazi
If there’s one true instance of a cringe worthy and glistening bunghole bludgeon, it is people who refuse to place importance on using CORRECT GRAMMAR! I do embrace the fact that I can be a little...
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Practical jokes are great for the soul
So I absolutely LOVE to prank people. There’s nothing funnier to me than jacking up someone’s game plan. And, the effect is always so much better, because I’m such a quiet, unassuming person who nobody...
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I’m so fancy!
Sup. So, my mom used to give me and my brother $150 worth of cold, hard cash to go “back to school clothes shopping” back in the day. That money covered jeans, tops, shoes, (both jelly and high tops)...
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Elf revisited
Oh, hello. So my FAVORITE time of year is here, the fall/winter tag team combo, including all my favorite holidays and traditions. As my faithful followers are already aware. These traditions that we...
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Happy Freaking Turkey Day
Soooo…I’m thankful for crap just like the next Yahoo, yadda yadda. Other than my 3 angelic freak show nuggets, I also have things that I must confess to being thankful for. So, in light of all of the...
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Red Starbucks cup, why you so crazy!
Oh my freaking crapfest of BS nonsensical offended universe. I can’t even. It’s a CUP. From a coffee corporation. It’s THAT SIMPLE. So, in light of all of the scampering, offended moronic halfwits, I...
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